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Appreciating the Good Stuff

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I write a lot about recovery feeling bad, and so much of the time it really does, but there are also moments in which I just feel so grateful for it and so overwhelmed (in a good way) by how different my life feels now. I've been trying to make more of an effort to acknowledge and hold onto those instances, because they help me to get through the harder times, so I wanted to take some time to write about an experience I had earlier this week where that (the gratitude/feeling overwhelmed etc.) just kind of "hit" me.

I went out to the mountains on Tuesday morning and was there just before the sunrise, and while I've seen a lot of sunrises (they're kind of my favorite thing ever) it was honestly the most beautiful and unreal thing I've ever witnessed (my iPhone picture doesn't do it near justice but I had to include it anyways, you get the general idea - it was really amazing)


and as I stood there, just in such awe of it, I had one of those moments, found my…

Values

Another thing that my dietician and I talked about this past week was the idea of focusing more on my values/what I ultimately want my life to be about, and using that as a guide when I feel stuck/reminding myself of what really matters.

Values are something they focused on a lot (understatement) at ERC, it was essentially the core of their treatment philosophy/what everything was continually brought back to, and one of the first "assignments" they gave you after admitting was to sort through a stack of "values cards" with your therapist to pick out your "top 5". I did this back in 2013 during my first admission, and vaguely remember the process of trying to pick out what was most important, (while also freaking out about a thousand other things, including the potential germs and calories I was absorbing in touching the cards that had been through so many other hands) and while I think I had a pretty good grasp on what mattered even in my rather compromis…

What I Want from Recovery

When I met with my dietician earlier this week, we talked about how much I struggle to hold onto motivation and how stuck I often get in questioning "why" I'm doing all of this (why make these choices that feel so bad?, why not give in to the eating disorder when I know that "feels better", why keep trying when I'm so exhausted of fighting with my brain etc. etc.) She asked me to take some time this week to think and write about what it is I'm actually working towards/what I ultimately want out of recovery.

I feel pretty certain of what I don't want anymore, and that's usually what I try to use in guiding my choices, but I don't often give as much thought to what I want in place of that, or what I actually want my recovery to look like, so that's what I want to do here.
Thinking about what I want from recovery still feels pretty foreign given that for most of my life it hasn't been something I've considered as being even remotely…

September.

September is always a hard month for me.

It marks the anniversary of Emily's death, something that has never really gotten any easier with time, and, as some twisted form of cruel fate, it also happens to be "National Suicide Prevention" month. Given the amount of my friends and acquaintances from treatment who have struggled with depression, my social media feeds have already become rather inundated with posts and articles about this, how to be there for someone struggling/how to notice the signs that someone is struggling etc., and while I believe these are important things to talk about, it can feel like such a slap in the face/reminding me of how I failed.

You weren't there when she needed you. You were her best friend. You should have been there. You should have been able to stop her and you didn't. 
If you had been there that night...
If you had answered her text...

These thoughts have continued to haunt me over the years, still keeping me up at night, the eve…

Focusing on What Helps

I write a lot on here about the things that I struggle with and where I continue to get stuck, and that definitely feels important to continue doing, but after a conversation I had with my dietician yesterday I decided that I also wanted to take some time to think and write about what's helped me to follow through in the moments where I've been able to make different decisions. I feel like I've been able to make some significant progress in getting "un-stuck" over the last few days, and I'm hoping that I can use this as a reminder for myself of what to hold onto as I try to continue moving forward.

My dietician asked me yesterday what I generally am telling myself in the instances where I'm able to follow through, and I think so much of the time it comes down to just knowing that if I want things to be different, I have to make different decisions. I know that making the familiar decisions will only get me what I know, and while recovery still holds a fai…

Making Different Choices towards Different Goals

There have been a few different things that I've thought about/have wanted to write about over the last few days, so I'm going to try and combine the different points into one post. (in other words, consider yourself warned that this might get long)

The first thing I wanted to write about is just how much I've been struggling to shift my mindset around food/eating. I think I'm noticing more and more as I try to make changes how stuck in the eating disordered mentality I am.
I've spent so many years operating under the goal of trying to "get through" a day staying under a certain allotment of calories, trying to make that amount feel adequate when it was actually so far from it, and have obviously gotten very gotten used to making decisions about what to eat and when to eat in support of that. So even with knowing that I have different goals now, I can still so often find myself slipping into that mindset almost subconsciously. I struggle with doing things…

Some Thoughts on Motivation, Commitment and Not Giving Up.

Despite having set the goals I wrote about earlier this week, I've continued to struggle quite a bit over the last few days. I find myself having an incredibly difficult time holding onto motivation, so even with having the clear expectations set for myself, following through has still felt so difficult.

Motivation is so hard. I know I've said this before, but I struggle with the fact that recovery can often feel as though I'm working so hard to make myself feel worse. And even with ultimately knowing why I'm doing it, in the moment that can feel distant, and it can be so easy to get stuck in questioning whether or not it's really "worth it". I feel like that's continued to be what trips me up.

Being in treatment was miserable, and I in no way "miss" the actual experience, but sometimes I really wish someone would just call me down to the cafe and here's your fucking shake, drink it, end of discussion. The constant back and forth with my…