an update + thoughts on seeking fulfillment vs. safety.

It's been awhile since I wrote anything on here, I keep meaning to but just haven't actually gotten around to it. I've been pretty sick over the last few days, (perks of working at an urgent care clinic and being exposed to literally all of the germs) and given that I don't really plan on leaving my couch today, I thought I'd take some time to update you all on what's been happening for me of late.

There's actually a lot!

A week from today I'm going to be moving out to Estes Park, Colorado, and I'll be working at a mountain resort near the National Park. Not to sound overly cheesy or dramatic, but this is really my dream come true, and I still want to cry when I think about the fact that it's actually happening. It just doesn't feel real yet, and I'm not sure when or if it ever will. I love Colorado as a state, but I have never really liked Denver/have never felt like I belonged here, and Estes has always felt like "home" to me…

Some NYE Reflections

New Years Eve is a tough day for me. 
I've attempted suicide on 3 separate December 31st's, something about the close of another year and the almost forced reflection on still being stuck always threw me full-force into the questions of "why am I still here/what am I doing/why stay" etc. etc. and the corresponding pain and the thought of continuing on as I was always felt like too much. 
There is something to be said for the fact that I am, in fact, very grateful to be alive right now, but the memories associated with being in that space are still difficult to hold. And it feels especially difficult given that I've been struggling more with the eating disorder over this past month. I've noticed a lot of the old thoughts around questioning whether or not this will this ever be different showing up for me today, and just frustration with myself for ending the year in this space. 
I love the concept of fresh starts and starting over, (I think that's 99% of t…

Keep Trying.

This is going to be a tough and pretty vulnerable post for me to write, but it feels important to do so anyways. The past few weeks have been difficult, and I've noticed myself slipping into a lot of old thought and behavior patterns. I'm generally very good at convincing myself that everything is okay, even when it isn't, and I think in part this is due to the fact that my only point of reference is how things were "before", and with that comparison, almost anything passes? and also just that my M.O. is to avoid looking at things that are painful, the eating disorder's continued grasp on me being one of them. But I feel like I've reached a point at which I can't really ignore it anymore.

It's hard to make sense of how quickly that happens. I had a day that I felt really anxious about how much I'd eaten, and I got out my phone and added up all my calories for the day, a behavior that used to dictate literally everything, but that I hadn't …

Some Post-Thanksgiving Reflections.

I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving. I know that the heavy emphasis on food can make it a difficult holiday for those of us struggling and/or in recovery from an eating disorder, so even if it was more challenging than it was happy, I hope you got through it okay.

In light of the holiday, I wanted to share a post I'd written on gratitude earlier this year, along with some current reflections;

Yesterday was both a hard day and a really good day.

I chose not to go back to visit my family, so I spent Thanksgiving alone. I love my family, but at this point I really don't think that I could be there with them while still maintaining my recovery and the progress I've made over the past year, and that isn't something I feel I can afford to jeopardize. I don't at all regret having made the decision to stay put, but I did have moments of feeling sad, not wishing that I was home but wishing that th…

Holding Hope.

I've spent the last week trying to help a friend make the decision to go back into treatment. I've been incredibly worried about her, knowing that she realistically didn't have time to continue struggling over the decision as much as she was, and I've felt really helpless as she's continued to struggle with it regardless, knowing there was nothing I could do or say that seemed to make any sort of difference.

So many of the fears and barriers she's expressed to me were the same ones that kept me from seeking help this time last year, and it's been really weird being on the other side of it, recognizing, from a different perspective, how irrational so many of the things that felt so real then actually were.

Eating disorders are so sad, and it's heartbreaking to listen to someone, knowing that their body is in the process of shutting down, knowing that they are in so much pain, and to hear them worry about the process of re-feeding/is it worth going throug…

One Year Ago Today

I usually hate getting notifications on Facebook about whatever was happening however many years ago today, (at this point it's sadly usually just a reminder of friends who are no longer alive), but today I got the "reminder" that November 11 2016 was the day I left D.C. and started the drive out to Denver, which is pretty cool to reflect back on.

I feel like I say these sort of things a lot, and I'm sorry if it ever gets old or annoying, but it still feels almost impossible to wrap my mind around how different my life is now, and just how much things have changed for me in such a relatively short period of time.

It's been a super challenging year, but it's also been so rewarding, more so than I think I ever could have anticipated.

I'm just feeling very grateful today. (also very grateful I'm not going to be driving 1700 miles this weekend!)

Un-Slumping Myself.

(Dr. Suess totally gets credit for this post's title)

Prior to getting sick, I'd been feeling a bit stuck/in a slump with my motivation, and as I think I mentioned in my last post, that had kind of been keeping me from writing on here. I was just feeling pretty detached from my recovery goals and in a weird in-between/stagnant place of not really making any progress but not falling backwards either? I could sense myself starting to get a bit complacent in that space, which I think is fairly easy to do, especially given how mentally and emotionally exhausting the process of recovery can be, but I also know that just sort of "managing" half of an eating disorder isn't what I want to settle for in my life, so I've tried to take some time to think about how I can get myself un-slumped/how I can establish that forward momentum again.

(here's what I came up with)

- I'm going to try to go back to keeping a list of meals/snacks to choose from that will meet m…